GOOD RIDDANCE

i think that i was crazy.
for a few months...i had become someone i wasn't.
i was dark, emotional, cold...
everything that is not dorian.
i was so busy trying to please others, i forgot about what I wanted.

my mother as usual saw it all before i could even put my finger on it.
i was blind.
i had no idea.
i look back and wonder why i even let it get so far.
i look back and i know i had to have been.......insane.
it was like i let another person take over my body...
and dorian just resided in the nearest corner.
either ashamed, scared, or unwilling to come out.

when i left home i started off with an image that had been tainted with the wounds of the summer.
i wore them on my face, my arms, my legs....my entire body had been covered.
so much so that my own flawless skin was filled with hideous scabs.
these scabs were people.
people that deep down i knew didnt mean enough good in my life.
those who i had once loved...
once given so much of my time and consideration.
i used to feel sorry for myself.
but now, i feel sorry for them.
they are so lost in this world...
i dont think anyone could bring them back.
however as time went on i stopped caring.
i began worrying about myself again, and i began gaining a piece of me back
day by day.
i began to peel off the scabs.
i understood all the stuff my mother had been trying to tell me.
i realized that sometimes you just have to let go.

i now understand that it was just something i had to go through to grow.
something i had to discover on my own.
i enjoyed all the time shared.
but when i saw that i had no real purpose in their lives...
i knew they didn't have reason to be in mine either.
it was heartbreaking at first.
but shortly after, it was liberating.
i was free from the chains.
shackles had been broken.

no longer will i conform to what others see fit.
no longer will i try to be someone i am not.
this is me and accept me as i am....
or keep it moving.
sigh.
it feels so good to finally get this all out.
i smile as i finish this blog. :)
i feel so complete.
over and done.
have a nice life.

never ending

my mind is moving in so many directions...
i really dont even know what to write.
i'll just tell how i feel.
im sad.
it's really over.
we are moving on.
it all started on march 6th 2008
and here it has ended on september 30th 2009.
my longest semi-relationship ever.
it hurts to let it go.
but im tired of feeling guilty.
im tired of being so selfish.
im free.
i don't have to answer to anyone anymore.
i can move and allow him to do the same.
i feel like such a weight is off my shoulders.
i dont have to hide.
i can be honest and real.
it feel's great.
i knew that it would happen one day.
but i finally got the courage to let it go.
sigh..finally.

but even though i let it go...
i still believe in forever and always.
forever and always will never end.

missing

i wake up...check my phone.
searching for a text message or missed call.
nothing.
empty.
i roll out of bed, shower, get dressed and walk to breakfast.
i eat.
alone.
i walk to class.
slowly, steadily, lazily trudging.
i sit through class and get a test back.
5 out of 5... 100%
i pick up my phone and get ready to send a message.
think twice, stop myself.
i smile inside and keep my grade to myself.
i walk back home up the dreadful hill to my room.
i sit inside and do homework until dinner time.
i go eat again and come back.
i brush my teeth and lay down.
no goodnight baby's.
no i love you's.
no sweet dreams.
these are my days without you.
these are my nights without you.
this is my life...without you.

la di da

when it was all over...
i wasnt sure how it would be.
i wasnt sure how I would be.
i was confused
hurt
saddened
yet a bit relieved...
i dont know if i will be okay.
well i guess i dont have a choice
i have to be.
i cant just roll over and die.
i must endure
i must make it
sigh...
its gonna be a long hard process but i believe in myself.
i lost a boyfriend...but i think i got my best friend back.
all i can do now is hope.
breaking up is the easy part....
its the aftermath of falling out of love and trying to really let go that hurts the worse.
everything is different now.
but somehow i will make it through.
the nights will be lonely...
the days will be long..
but the sun will shine again.

beneath the flowers

i dream of you.
beneath the flowers...
i fell asleep and this is what i thought...

you were everything i wanted and everything i didn't need.
got my priorities mixed up...
wanting what i can't have.
wanting what's not mine.
thought i found love on a two-way street.
but i quickly found out it was just a one-way highway.
it's ok though.
i didn't understand until now...
love is meant to be simple.
true love at least.
you don't have to work at it, it comes natural.
so i wonder why i love you so much.
in a sense, you have made me who i am today.
i don't know why i gave you so much power over me...
it was like, here's this wise man who has all this insight.
and it was good stuff too. i fell for you.
problem was...
i wasn't the one you were trying to catch.
i used to cry about it.
i used to spend nights wondering what was wrong with me.
i figured it out.
nothing.
i simply was not the one.

i am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason.
we didn't work for some reason beyond my current understanding.
its quite irrelevant.
one day i will look back on these moments with you and i will know why it all worked out the way it did.
for now...i can't say i have completely grasped it but i can say that i have accepted it.
i am finally okay knowing that i will never be yours.
strangely enough, although you didn't want to be with me...it's clear that you loved me.
that i know for sure because it's something you don't work at.
it just happens.
just like the love i have for you.

i gave you all of me.
gave you my everything.
my heart included.
your honesty broke it....
but you have stayed around to help clean up the pieces.
your kind words put it back together.
and now i will lock it away until the right one comes along.
i don't even know if you feel bad...
but i will say it anyway.
i forgive you.

i am finally letting you go.
not in a sense of removing you...
more like releasing...
the hopes
the wishes
the pleas
and the daydreams.

sigh.
what a beautiful day.

is this the end?

she stares in the mirror.
mascara streaks run down her cheeks.
she doesn't even know how to feel...
she doesn't know who she sees in the reflection.
beneath the pain in her eyes, used to be a girl with a flicker or hope.
she believed in one last man to stay by her side...
someone she had called friend.
someone she told she loved...
she believed in that love with all her heart.
it felt like the only love she had ever known
but he gave up on that love...
he stopped caring when she moved away.
she didn't know love had a limit...
what happened to forever and always?
what happened to the small possibility of wanting to be with her?

it killed her hopes.
and it killed her heart.

it wasn't supposed to be him...
she could have taken it from anyone but him.
he was her last hope.
she wanted him to be there...
she still wants you him to be there.
but its a position he no longer wants to be in.
so she decided to step back..
and let him live his life.
she always believed in him...in them.
what's there to believe in now?
he promised that he wouldn't be just like every man she gave her heart to...
he told her to be careful with her heart...
but he didn't say the advice applied to him too.

all the times spent together.
all the lonely nights they kept each other company,
all the days her house was his escape..
her family his shelter
his truck her getaway
her embrace his peace
his arms her safety...
what does it mean now...

fade to black

he sits in the corner and weeps.
he weeps for his sins.
he weeps for his soul.
he weeps for his self.
self.
he no longer recognizes the word.
self is someone he lost along this painful journey.

thought he had it all.
perfect girlfriend.
decent family.
bright looking future.
love.
right.

love is a lie. -simple plan-
he plays the song on repeat as he releases his stresses onto his cheeks and shirt.
it all started with his girlfriend.
she started fucking up.
at first it was small stufff.
then it got bigger and bigger until he just couldn't take it.
friends is all he could manage.
however, they both knew it wasn't normal friends.
they were still obligated to each other.
no additional hook ups.
no booskies.
no one else.

but along the way he began to miss the cuddling...
the kind words.
the late night talks.
all the things that made him fall in love.
so he found it elsewhere...
he found someone else he could turn to for all the things she was no longer giving.
mentally.
emotionally.
physically.
he took it all.

is he wrong?
is he wrong for searching for his heart's desires because the one he thought he loved no longer wanted him?
is he wrong for trying to find the happiness he felt his heart deserved?

he cannot find the answers.
all he can find is the tears.
he has been hurt so many times.
it all feels the same to him.
head down, he balls up and rests his head against the wall.
his lips continue to quiver and his chest heaves.
he cries himself to sleep.
now he cannot feel the pain.

my new home

so here i am.
Currently laying down in the lofted bed in our dorm room.
Its so weird being here...
Deondre's not right under me, mom and dad aren't annoyingly yelling on the intercom for me to come downstairs...no high pitched whines and barks from max.
It's just different....quite peaceful actually.
I think i will enjoy it here.
One thing i do know already, i DO NOT like having a roommate.
Lol...i love kelsey, really i do.
But she is not as neat as i am (or as mildly OCD as me but thats ok)..
We havent even been in the room without our parents a good hour and her boyfriend is already here...and ready to spend the night.
My first night in my dorm with my roommate and i have to change behind the door of the closet.
Sigh.
But, i may have a visitor of my own soon...so we will be even :)
I wanted to share this moving in and settling experience with my good friend T since we have barely spoken all day....but he is nowhere to be found.
Hm...well...
Im getting sleepy.
Til next time.
Im getting tired.

hello goodbye

so here we are now.
pained and lucky we survived it all.
-amel larrieux

i made it.
this summer was the best and worst summer ever.
all wrapped up in a 2 and 1/2 month package.
i am leaving in about 30 minutes for athens...
leaving atlanta, my family, and my best friends behind.
however, i will carry the memories in my heart forever.
so many memories to look back on from this summer, this year..the past 17 years.
today i am leaving my home I have lived in all my life.
i do not plan on returning.
of course i will come back on holidays and breaks,
but i do not have the intent to ever live here again.
after college i plan on getting a job, my own place, and starting a life on my own.
of course i am in no rush.
i plan on enjoying every moment of college and the freedom without real responsibilities.

i would like to take this time to say thank you to four people who helped me make it through this chaotic summer.
thank you tarrance.
you have been with me every step of the way this summer.
you brought me out of my shell while still allowing me to hold onto my genuine innocence.
(somewhat :])
you definitely introduced me to things I thought i would never do.
my favorite memories...
staring at the stars, talking, chilling, GUITAR HERO...all the great moments in the truck.
memories i will never forget.
you have been one of the greatest influences on my life and you are now in my mind, apart of the family.
thank you for being such a great friend.
ily tarantae :)

id also like to thank britni.
although she can be crazy at times,
she is definitely one of the FEW females in my life that i consider to be a real friend.
whenever i needed her, i knew she was one call away.
and she knows i am there for her as real.
im glad to have someone so honest and caring in my life.
ily BEEEEE. :)

kelsey,
my best friend since the 7th grade although i have known her since the 5th.
theres not much to say about her...
i cant put her amazingness into words.
my soon-to-be roommate :)
i really dont think i could have asked for a better best friend.
i am faithful in our ability to remain friends even though we are living together.
(crossing my fingers and toes haha)
but i think we will make it.
i love this girl.

last but not least...ronnie.
its strange...me wanting to thank you.
you were the cause of so many tears this summer.
so many lonely nights.
so many days full of heartache.
you are definitely a screw up sometimes when it comes to me.
BUT...i know that you care.
you love me and you show it more times than you hurt me.
if i look back at the course of our relationship, we had more happy times than sad.
i will definitely admit that i love you.
it sucks that we broke up...
but i know it was the best thing.
the distance between us would have only made things harder and you have to understand that i have to do this for me.
i love you though, with all my heart.
forever and always bay.

sigh...well time to load up the car.
im ready to leave all the pain this summer threw at me behind.
as i move to athens i hope to meet new people and to experience new things...
but i dont want to be a new me.
i hope to inspire people and to be the shoulder or ear they need.
ive always been the therapist/motherly role in my group of friends. :)
its one i enjoy.

tarrance, you once said that this fall you will find out who really wants to be apart of your life.
i dont think there is a better way to describe what i also hope to find out.
i will find out what friends are really friends...
and who will be another face in the yearbook.
im looking forward to see who sticks around.
i know it will be few.
and thats ok.
as long as i have the ones who matter most by my side.
well, im off.

goodbye atlanta.
hello athens.

the forbidden

cherish me...
in private...
sheltered from the eyes of the public.
no one to scold you for your obvious faults.

hold me...
in the dark...
covered by the black blanket of sky.
its too dark for one to spy.

kiss me...
in blindness..
closed eyes and never think twice.
no one can hear the sucks of our lips.

whisper to me...
in privacy.
sweet nothings that pour into my ears.
no one can hear the cleverly masked lies.

love me...
but only with convenience...
masked in emptiness when it's just me and you.
no one to tell you this love is forbidden.

from the first moment

You love me...and i love you.
So let's just be together baby.
Those are the words I would want to say...
If I didn't have so much baggage.
Sigh.
In a few days, I will be gone.
And shortly after that, so will you.
How did we let so much time slip away?
We knew what our hearts felt...but we kept our distance.
The only thing that connects us now are the magnetic fields in our chests drawing us closer with each breath.
I love you.
You understood me from the very first moment you laid eyes on me.
Somehow you saw something in me that no one else could see.
I have been hooked on you since the moment I laid eyes on you...and it's the strangest love I have ever felt.
I don't think about you every single day...
But when you do cross my mind, it's like the entire world melts away and there is nothing left but me standing alone...smiling to thoughts of you.
We don't talk every single day...
But when we do talk, the sound of your voice brings joy back to my life and wipes away my tears.
Does this mean you are the one?
Is it possible to feel like I have already found you at such an early age?
No matter where our lives take us or who they take us to, we are meant to be together.
You light up my life in such a special way that no one could take away what we have.
I'll love you forever.
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.

in the corner

so heavy are the conflicted feelings on my heart that it feels like a weight is in my chest.
A weight i would like to rid myself of for the moment...
Until i can pull apart the twisted feelings stuck to my heart that shadow over the love i would like to have for you...
Love is crawling under the surface, itching to be set free.
But rejection, jealousy, and betrayal have towered over my heart for so long that it is now just a caged bird that cant even sing.
I don't understand why? Why me?
Why was i built up just to be broken down?
Why did you make me believe in something thats not there?
Why does it have to be this way?
Existing questions with non-existent answers.
There are no words to express what the love inside my heart now feels.
He is trapped, overcasted, and hidden.
With these overbearing emotions at the forefront, i dont know if he will ever come out again.
Ill just tuck it away...
In a corner of my heart.
For now.

confie en su lucha

i am strong.
i am lost.
i am intelligent.
i am loving.
i am weak.
i am independent.
i am creative.
i am passionate.
i am my own struggle.

with this struggle comes a belief in myself....
and the things i can accomplish.
this summer is coming to a close.
and i have struggled.
i go back and read my blogs and im like whoa...
this was an interesting summer.
not really in actions but in emotions.
i did nothing but work, come home, and go out occasionally.
but i really believe i have grown.
i have been influenced by who i consider to be an amazing man.
he is wise beyond his years and has taught me so much in the few months
we rekindled our relationship.
i realize that i am stronger than what i thought.
i have a lot to offer.
im intelligent, creative, a good listener, caring, passionate, and not too bad on the eyes either :)
im a pretty great catch.
this summer i have learned that one day,
i am going to make some man very happy.
it may not be the one i would have initially chosen..
but i WILL find happiness.
i think the most important thing I have learned is that even if I dont find that man anytime soon,
im still going to be ok.
I have finally accepted the fact that I can make myself happy all by myself.
i have started to believe in myself again.
i feel good.
school is just 14 days away.
so many things are going to change.
im going natural.
and i might even cut my hair.
im loving the free nappy/curly look. :)
i can finally say that I am content.
i havent quite reached happiness.
but ill get there.

i have finally starting trusting my struggle.

your turn.

Please dont shoot me down

Our friendship only has so much elasticity.
Ur stretching me as far as i can go.
Pushing me away.
And im breaking inside.
It hurts.
Stop....
Please?
I cant take it.
Not from you.
Anyone else....but you?
No.
I wont have it.
I believe in you too much to accept the fact that you are starting to hurt me just like he did.
I wont have it.
You are different.
I know it.
You have to be....
For the sake of my sanity, there has to be something special about you.
Please dont let the doubt in my mind say i told you so.
Im begging you.
I need you to be who i know you are.
Sigh.
Dont be just like every other person i ever believed in.
Please...
Dont let me down.

oh captain my captain

when i found out you were a captain...it scared me.
The thought of you sailing out to sea, away from the comfort of our closeness..
I was terrified.
But I loved you still.
Every time you came home, there were stories of the adventures the sea gave you.
I was always willing to listen...no matter if the stories were good or bad.
I waited patiently on the shore, telling you that I was fine and had no problem with you sailing out to sea.
Secretly, i hoped that the storms of the sea would one day be too much for you to handle.
I prayed that you would return one day and decide that I was enough, that you wouldn't need to sail out to sea ever again.

Every time you came home I asked you the same question.
"Do you promise to return?," I would ask filled with hope and promise.
Your faithful answer each time, "Of course, because I love you."
Then things began to change.
Your trips were longer, as if you weren't in a hurry to see me....
And with your new found attitude, your answers began to change as well.
"of course, because i love you."
"yes... And i love you."
"i'll try...well, i love you."
"maybe...but i love you."

But this last time...
It was so different that I already know whats to come.
Your response.
"i hope so. Oh, i love you."
You avoided my eyes, barely touched me, walked away with a quickness to replace the usual lingering.
You said that you hoped so.
Hope is not something you do...
I can't explain why but when it comes to me, you don't hope...you just do or you don't.
There is no in between.

You have changed.
You welcome the storms at sea.
You enjoy the challenges they present.
You are a true captain.

As your ship takes off i know that you are never to return.
I turn, my back to the coast, facing my future.
I begin to walk away, filled with an empty heart...for this is the day I had always feared.
The day you would no longer need me by your side.
The sea was, is, and always will be your first love.

no strings attached

I wandered away today.
It was the first time, only because I actually had to build up the courage to do it.
I went my own way, catching other men's eyes...Saw how they lusted after me with every step I took.
And I loved the attention.
It's almost as if it were new to me...like I had never caught a man's eye before.
It was different.
Comforting.
Affirming.
Reassuring.
And much needed.

So as I venture off at this party I glance around, simply scoping out the scene.
And then, my eyes lay on you.
Gorgeous chocolate skin.
Fresh outfit.
Newly cut fade.
Perfect white smile.
Yea...that's you.
You turn around and for a split second, we lock eyes.
In this second I think my heart might burst through my chest and reach out to you saying "take me, please."
I want you.
I want to get inside of you.
I want to feel you out.
I want to explore you and find out what you are all about.
And surprisingly right now, im not even talking sexually.
I have locked eyes with a man I know is meant to be mine.
Baby, you should be mine.
You know it too.
I see it in your eyes as you give me the "damn that's the one" expression.
Yea it's me.
Come and get me.

I felt a jerk and turned around.
Sigh.
I have to go back now.
My absence is realized and unappreciated.
I see you jerk backwards as well.
Yea, your spouse is looking for you too.
We turn around and look back quickly for one last glance...watching our dream mate get away.
Heads hung down, we follow the strings back to our spouse's.
If only i didn't have these damn strings.
Ugh.
We are mates indeed but definitely not of the soul.
Not like the man I just met.
My dream mate.
The one I just let get away.
Sigh...
Maybe next time...
Maybe next time.

seasons of love

*Note: this post is completely random. diff from all the others...so its kinda unnecessary to read.*

so what now.
things are back on track...
we are happy.
i think.
i mean we are laughing and joking again.

so its all ok right?
right.
im confused at the point of all this.
like i mean its AMAZING.
hahaha.
but its going nowhere.

i need to go.
i need it to be august 12th.
then it will be easier to forget.
easier to forgive.
then i can move on.

i dont want to.
but if i dont i will be stuck forever.
its gonna be ok.
i know it.
i know your intentions are good....
but you did it all the wrong way.

im not pointing fingers at all.
i know i can accept some of the blame as well.
but its like in front of one ur somebody else.
i cant blame you though.
im the exact same.
unfortunately, i can be quite hypocritical sometimes...
but i wonder why u express with such ease when you know the words might hurt me.

that's the part i just dont get about you.
wait that's a lie.
there's a lot i dont get about you.
you are such a character...
i love having you around though.
like i look up to you.
you prolly dont understand why, idk if i do either.
but i know i do.
ur something like a role model.
minus the near perfection...

its crazy how your words make me feel.
but when its just me and you...
i feel like maybe i matter.
silly me.

my thoughts are all scrambled.
this post wont make sense to many.
if any...
oh well.
it was for me anyway.

i have come to the conclusion that i have to accept this...
this thing that's going on.
sigh.
whatever.

people are only meant to be around for a season...
summer's coming to an end...
here comes fall.
time's up.

I need a vacation

so we meet again.
Just me and the keys this time.
No characters.
No setting.
No background.
No clever analogies.
Just me.
I dont have the energy to hide behind my smile.
I dont have the strength to create an imaginary person dealing with real issues.
I no longer care enough to try to disguise my inner thoughts and emotions.
He loves me?
No.
He loves me not.
Liar.
Michelle, gabbie, jerri, raquel, chasity, sherika, kenteshia...
All these girls i have tried to compete with during our time together.
Im tired.
Im sick.
You can have them.
You claim to want me...
But these names are proof that i am not enough for you.
Like.
Eff it.
I cant do this anymore.
Im not hiding behind my smiles.
Im upset.
Im pissed.
Im hurting.
And ur gonna know it.
All of you.
You dont deserve to see me smile when you keep burning me to my core.

So happy go lucky bubbly dorian is going on vacation.
I dont have the endurance to keep putting up this facade.
Sigh....
Im out of breath.

So...This is what you get now.
You dont deserve to know the real me anyway.
Ugh...
Whatever.
Im done.

12am...depression strikes again

today at church the pastor said:
even when you fall in love with someone
and they don't fall in love with you,
it's ok.
don't give up.
hell, DO IT AGAIN.
that was the title of the sermon.
Do it again...
because one day yours will come.
and it will be okay.

it reminded me of a coldplay line.
"when you love someone and it goes to waste."
i know the feeling.

so i been down lately.

basically because...

it's simple.
he doesn't want me.

he's not ready. (i can agree with that)
it wouldn't last. (so he feels)
he can't let go. (it's all over his face)
it's already over.
and it never began.

i wanna be there.
still.
im foolish.
i know.
but who isn't sometimes.

that's it.
in a nutshell.
tough pill to swallow.

but...
im a big girl.
i can handle it.

however,
i don't know if i can follow that pastor's advice.
i don't think i could do this again.
after this one, i think im done.
i don't wanna fall in love with someone...
who didn't fall in love with me too.

not all the way.
not a little bit in love.
not at all.

eff you love.

Doll Face

She rises from the bed after a restless, frustrating night.
She walks into the bathroom and reflected in the mirror is a blank face, drained of color and emotion.
On the counter sits a variety of colors and brushes ready to create the portrait of a happy young woman.
She sighs heavily and looks over the tools, ready to begin constructing.
She slowly picks up a brush and begins working.
Eyes.
They disappeared long ago when she realized they were windows to her soul.
They told a story of a tortured past...full of heartache and pain.
One day she just couldnt take it anymore and rubbed them right off of her face.
Nose.
Always running because she was always crying.
Tears were always her release...
One day she blew and wiped so hard to get it off of her face.
She never had to cry again.
Mouth.
Smiles...what she was known for displaying.
Always using her smiles to mask her pain.
One day she hit rock bottom and her smile cracked.
It shattered into thousands of pieces on the floor below her.
Never again would someone hear her choked sobs and begs for forgiveness.

So now she must wake up every morning to create a character that no longer exists. She died long ago when the strain became too much.
She looks at the reflection of a seemingly happy woman.

This is a different woman.
She can now take whatever it is you would like to dish out.
She can handle the lies.
She can handle the empty promises.
She can handle the pain.

With her smile painted on, she is ready to go and pretend to be another happy face.
Behind this mask of deceit, no one will ever know.

K.O.

sometimes love comes around.
and it knocks you down.
to the point where you cant just get right back up.

you start the fight feeling fresh, rejuvenated even.
all the possibilities seem like endless opportunities for a win.
you have your hands up and you feet are moving quickly across the ring.
you are dodging blows left and right feeling like...
all the power is in your hands.
so you let your guard down for a split second.
because you foolishly trusted in your own juvenile wisdom.

BAM!
right across the cheek.
you shake it off and get your hands back up ready to deliver a mean left hook.

BAM!
you take an uppercut to the chin.

your teeth make a loud cracking sound as the bottom row slams against the top row.
the room starts spinning.
your vision goes in an out.
you fall to your knees.
you think you have the strength to come back up.
but then you think back to those empty promises.
those nights you sat up waiting alone...
and no longer can you hold onto the last strand of false hope.
you no longer have the strength to pursue.
so you collapse under the pressure.

never thought you would fall for her/him as hard as you did.
but it happened.
you fell hard with a smack as your barely alive body slammed down onto the ring.
bruised, bloodied, and broken you go down.
love came around and not only knocked you down
but kicked you, beat you, raped you, tortured you, and damn near killed you.
all that's left to say is congratulations.
your opponent has won.
say goodbye to your friend.
for you will never love again.

farewell

august 12th.
Move in day.
The car ride was dreadful.
An hour and 15 minutes with my mother, father, and strange yet adorable little brother.
No fun at all.
Finally we had arrived on campus.
Car stuffed full with my life over the past few years.
Clothes, shoes, purses, comforter...all the typical necessities when moving into a dorm.
My best friend and I got everything settled in our room.
Pink, orange, and white are our colors.
Coordinated....like friends since the 5th grade would be.
I hug my parents goodbye and shake off the tears.
As much as they have driven me crazy the past few years, I will miss them dearly.
They have taught me well.
My brother awkwardly hugs me, his eyes glistening as well.
The chokeholds, punches, slaps, screams, pinches, and wrestling matches no longer matter.
He is still flesh and blood and I love him.
I watch as the 1997 silver Toyota Avalon pulls out of the Brumby parking lot and speeds away.
Laying on my bed, i stare at my wall.
There's a collage of all my favorite people and like fate my eyes fall on a picture of us.
I think back to the day we said goodbye...it was right after your birthday, during the summer.
I remember i was so excited because i had gotten you a really great present.
I couldnt wait to tell you.
I remember all the times we shared... laughs, smiles, tears.
We were almost always happy.

Those days are long gone now.
You have gone your own way to fulfill your life's dreams....having your face kissed by the sun each morning you wake.
I'm glad we each had a new beginning to look forward to...because if not i'd probably be lost without you.
I know you're still there for me, but its nowhere near the same feeling.
Im happy for you though, you deserve it.
You deserve to be happy.
I used to be sad that your happiness couldnt be near me, but i soon realized how selfish that sounded.
So i willingly let you go...you would have done what you wanted anyway.
Ill always cherish what we had.
So go.
Do what you have to do to be who you want to be.
Ily forever and always.
Goodbye.

Calling it quits

so what if i told you i was a liar.
What if i told that everytime i said i loved you...i lied.
I mean i care about you, believe me i do...
But i dont believe in love.
Its a nonexistent feeling.
I consider it to be an alibi.
An excuse.
A reason to do what i want and be able to make it all better by telling you i love you.
Would you be upset if i told you i stopped believing in love long ago?
I keep telling you what you want to hear but the first time my heart was broken i gave up.
The way i see it, you dont hurt the people you love.
If it existed, truly existed, we woudlnt lie or cheat.
But we do...
Leading me to believe that its all a fathom of our imaginations.
Love cannot exist because we are all too selfish.
In order to love you must let go of yourself in order to take hold of another.
I have yet to see evidence of true love.
I believe that love is perfect.
Perfection is unobtainable therefore so is love.
I have given up on trying to believe...
And so...i have given up on love.

the verdict is?

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?
No.
None of us do.
We are all hypocrites...
I lied to you.
She lied to him.
He lied to her.
They lied to me.
We lied to each other.
It's a cycle.
The truth shall set you free.
Right.
Free enough to realize that nobody EVER wants the truth.
It's all a big misunderstanding. People think that they want the truth but no, they want a watered down, sugar coated version that has been beaten around the bush and back.

I am judgmental. Yes.
True statement there.
However that's....irrelevant.
Because who isn't?
It is quite ironic being told not to judge when that's all we have done since we knew.
How else would your ideas and opinions have been formed?
Exactly. You judged.
Based off of what you read, saw, and heard. Same as I.
The difference is...i wrote it down.
Honestly, I have a nice size pair of shoes.
I fill them really well.
Therefore, i dont need or want to fill anyone else's.
Id like to make that clear.

No matter how much we go back and forth.
We are all the same.
We have all committed the same crimes.
The Honorable Judge Life will sentence us all the same way.
Guilty.

and suddenly

so i was reading something
and then all of a sudden i just got so upset.
and this is what happened....



happiness turns to anger.
smiles turns to frowns.
im pissed.
because it hurts.
im sitting here, tear welling in my eyes.
eyebrows frowning.
i almost want to say i wish it never happened.
but i cant.
because in the end, love is still there.
whether you fly away today or tomorrow or never
you will always be on my mind.

bittersweet.

i can never forget the one thing that hurts to remember.
i hate it.
i hate this.
theres even a little part inside of myself that i hate.
its that part of me that cant let go.
this is pointless.
i am not going to win.
i know this and i am still here.
whether its done today or in a few months or years
the pain will remain the same.
all that changes is the timing.

its like you were supposed to be my protector.
you were the only one who could put that smile on my face.
the one that i get when i look at you...

and you, you are ridiculous.
because not only dont you realize what you have,
but you are blinded because you spend all this time trying to play the victim.
whatever you want you get.
and even if you dont want it
its still waiting right there for when you do.
i mean i dont think you understand how great you have it.
if i could find that thing that you got,
i could finally be happy.
i have given up everything i possibly have to offer.
and it is still not enough.
you dont even have to work at it
and you still get the attention.
wth.

sigh.
im calming down now.
anger turns to sorrow.
frown turns to tears.
the end.

Pretty Wings

as i lay here in the bed, i can feel the tubes connected to my body.
the tubes that have solemnly been supporting my life for the past year.
helping me battle this disease.
this disease called love.

i remember the day the doctor gave me the news.
i sat there quietly on the edge of the patient table....
expecting the worst and hoping for the best.
he walked in and sat in front of me.
i knew from the look on his face that it was over.
"im sorry mam...
you are in love."
*sigh*
i knew it before he had let the sounds of his words float into the air.
"but you can live with this disease.
this is not the end.
i know several people who have gone on to live happy lives.
you dont have to let this be your demise.
if you play your cards right, this will be the best thing that ever happened to you."

he sounded so hopeful that day.
he really made me believe.
i couldnt help but smile.
i thought i was going to make it.

i slowly open my eyes.
guard rails up on each side.
the endless white of the walls eliminates all opportunities for thoughts to pop into my head.
there is nothing worth thinking about when you are breathing your last breaths.
nothing but the sound of air and an occasional announcement from the machine that i am still alive.
great.
inhale.
exhale.
beep.
inhale.
exhale.
beep.

i scan the room slowly
until my eyes stumble across a young man in the corner.
he is sleeping.
breathing so deeply.
then it hits me.
its you.
you are the reason i am fading away.
i am slipping into the background because of this disease that you gave me.
i clear my throat to try to wake you up.
ahem.
you rub your eyes and stand up to stretch.
then you remember what jolted you from your sleep.
you look over at me wide-eyed in disbelief.
as you begin walking towards me
i wonder how long you have been sitting there.
your hair is growing wildly all over your head.
your clothes are sagging a bit more than that of the acceptable uniform of a young black man.
they seem to be swallowing you, as if you have lost weight.
you dont look like the same man who gave me this disease a year ago.
so i ask.
you tell me that shortly after i found out i was sick, i blacked out and i never woke back up.
you decided to move into the room next to me so you could be close to me.
you spent the days in that corner.
sleeping or praying that God would bring me back to you.
you have been watching me sleep for almost 8 months now.
i hadnt so much as opened my eyes.
until now.

you have finally made it back to my side.
as i look into your eyes
i begin to remember how i contracted this illness from you.
you are everything i wanted.
everything i needed.
everything i could have asked for.
i can see the happiness in your eyes as you stare at me.
i can hear your soft whispers as you thank God.
but beneath your mask of smiles and thank you's
i can still see the hurt.
the same hurt you always tried to hide from me
because you didnt want to tell me i was doing anything wrong.
you haven't changed at all.
except you are filled with more sorrow now than before.
i can only imagine the strain this has been putting on your life.
i can already see its physical effects so i know it must be taking a toll on your heart, mind, and soul.

i cant stand to see you like this.
i feel guilty.
the guilt wells up in my eyes and rolls down my cheeks.
simultaneously, i see the pain glistening in your eyes and splash onto my arm.
i feel like i should apologize.
but the words escape me.
i can't keep putting you through this.

so.
i have decided to leave.
i can no longer give you what you need.
so for the sake of your happiness, im going to let you go.
i tell you,
this is going to be hard.
but i know you can make it through.
after all of the things we have seen and triumphed,
i know you have it in you.
the pain is flowing from our eyes even faster than before now.
"you cant leave me.
i cant live without you.
how will i survive without my angel."
i tell you that i am not the only angel that God created.
and i know that he has another one waiting for you.
i tell you that i love you.

as you bend down to kiss my cheek and whisper i love
i close my eyes.
there is more that i want to tell you
but i would rather you hear it a different way.
somehow i will try to make you understand.
but now is not the time.

by the time the young man is standing back up,
he sees that her eyes are closed.
He assumes that she has drifted back into her somber sleep.
and now it is time to play the waiting game again.
as he begins to turn his back on his way to the corner
his heart sinks to the floor.
the long high-pitched beep of the machine puts truth to her words.
he looks back to see the lonely green line floating across the screen.
she is gone.

the nurse comes in and says
"im sorry for your loss.
but go home and get some rest.
we can take care of things here."
he slowly begins making steps towards the door.
head held down.
shoulders shrugged.
eyes red and running over.

the nurse stops him
and hands him a letter.
"she said that whenever she finally decided to let go,
she would want you to have this."
outside of the room he carefully tears the seal and pulls out the sheet of paper.
there were only a few sentences on it.

it read:

Dear Pretty Wings,

Im sorry.
But somehow deep down in my heart,
I knew it would come to this.
You did everything right, but I just didn't know how to handle this disease.

I had to leave.
I had to leave.
I had to let love set you free to fly your pretty wings.
Someone's gonna love you better.
But I will always be yours.

Fly away.

Forever and Always,

Your Angel

Perseverance

Dear Perseverance,

Blood, sweat, and tears run together to create a mixture of individuality
Each solution alone tells the story of
another day's work
another lonely struggle
another heavy defeat
another day in the world.
However, when combined,
this mixture of pain, discomfort, and sorrow
retells a story of the past
a phenomenal ancestry

Backs broken and bellies aching
A courageous people in the making
Working to keep mental sanity
Because if you were to fall then so would the rest of our precious humanity
The cuts and bruises were deeper and truer
until day by day there were fewer.
Then there were none...

but there was I.

I learn of what came before me
through published works that came after me.
All the while digesting the fact that I will never be able to join you...
you poor soul that constantly endures days of defeat.
An invariable fight for dignity, strength, and freedom

I now have so many opportunities to be
better, stronger, and even braver than before.
It is time to step up
time to realize that
Change starts with me.

The desire to change is birthed from the womb of hope that thrives in my soul.
How can I be anything less?
If you can bear these burdens then surely I can triumph far greater things.
We can work together to create a potential road of success.
For me and for all of those to come.

I am currently under construction, in case you were wondering.
I may not wear a yellow hard hat or have a tool bet around my waist,
but I promise I am working on some repairs.
I know that after what you have done for me I should be a far better person.
But I have found that I am selfish and I tend to lose sight of what should be important in my life.
I promise you that I am working to correct all my faults.
Those you see, and those I have learned to hide quite well.
I know I have disappointed you, but I am going to change
I promise to make you proud.

We work together to create an image far greater than anything
Picasso or Da Vinci could have conjured up.
We merge into one solid painting of your past, my present, and our future.

Love Always,

Dorian

Eavesdropping

one day as i was taking a walk,
i stopped in front of a girl.
i do not recognize her yet somehow i feel like i know her.
anyway, this girl in front me silently stares blank-faced back at me.
no hello.
no smile.
no nothing.
shortly after i begin to hear voices.
there are only 2 voices and it sounds like they are arguing.
these voices are coming from deep inside this young woman
and from the look on her face she is
confused
hurt
heartbroken
to say the least.
i almost kept walking because i felt like this was none of my business.
this was not my battle
and i wanted to have no part in this internal dispute she was experiencing.
but i stayed
and listened
secretly trying to decipher the words coming from within this girl who stood before me.
this is the conversation i heard.

voice 1: when are you going to learn to listen to me. you need to let go and find your own happiness before you try to make some other man happy. if you dont find yourself, you will become as dark as the blood you pump daily.
voice 2: but Mind, he loves me. cant you see. he texts me all day long. he sends me special little messages on facebook. he calls me or at least tries to everyday. isnt that enough?
mind: i know heart, trust me i know. but i have been around long enough to know that sometimes all the little sweet things arent enough. if you cant be number one on his list then you dont need to be on his list at all. now what i need you to do is work with me to try to convince her to let go.
heart: let go? Mind, why do you always think you know everything? I think she should follow me. then maybe she will find her happiness and his along the way.
mind: but dont you see heart? she has given you to him so many times before. sometimes he takes you and all the love you have to give. but other times, he throws you in the backseat while he takes care of more important things. he is selfish and he is not ready to have you. so just let him go for now and maybe he will come around. but you cant keep holding on to false hopes.
heart: what do you know about anything? you cant even love. im the one that has to deal with being broken over and over again. all you do is sit back and tell me "i told you so" but you know what? I like taking chances. because the only time you find true love is when you put everything on the table. i know that he will probably never be mine and thats ok. because as a friend thats what you do. you stick by their side no matter what. even if it means i may get cracked in the process. i have no regrets and if i had to do it all over again. he could have me again.
mind: you are being so selfish. just to get some thrill. thats exactly why you cant keep giving yourself to every guy who comes along and tells you he loves you. some guys dont know what to do with you. and thats why you keep getting hurt.
heart: *bows head*
mind: there there heart. im just trying to help.
heart: i know. i just wish for once i could give myself to a guy that wouldnt leave me with scars and bruises. but until then i cant help it. ill keep trying until i find the one.
mind: but dont you care about her. i mean, look at her.

Now as I stare at this girl, there are tears streaming down her face.
Her big brown eyes are filled with evidence of confusion.
I see that this girl is on a quest for the one thing we all want to find:
LOVE.
I am also troubled because I dont know what to tell her.
I want to say everything will be ok, but she has heard enough lies.
She moves to wipe away a tear and I notice that my hand is moving along with hers.
Our right arms are moving in unison to wipe away our tears.
As I stare into the mirror, I tell her that I love her and that I will always be here for her.

I hear her mind.
I feel for her heart.
I see her pain.
I taste her sorrow.
I bleed her tears.
I have lived her struggle.

one last time

i wish people wouldnt take advantage of my heart
and all the love it has to give
then maybe i wouldnt have to watch my ever-so delicate heart
continuously slip to the ground
and shatter into millions of pieces.
over and over again.
the shame is only placed on you once
but every time after that,
it becomes my fault.
its so hard to understand why things have to be so hard
why cant we just be with who we love,
the one who truly loves us back.
the one who would sacrifice for me
and make it known.
the one who wants me to be happy,
even if it wasnt with him.
reality is such a bitch.
she sits there waiting for u to think that everything will be ok
wanting you to believe that you have a chance.
and just when u reach for the horizon,
she reminds you that dreams never come true.
that happily ever after is just a myth.
and that Walt Disney died long ago.
i hate her.
and i know sometimes, you do too.
because she makes it hard for us all.
she erases all possibilities of happiness
and she makes it hard for another dream to even begin.
she makes you shut me out
and she makes it hard for me to breathe.
i want you to know,
that if u ever decide to let go of reality,
you can grab hold of me...
i know it seems far-fetched...
but just close your eyes with me.
because maybe, just maybe
im the last dream you would ever need to have.

and i promise
i wont let her wake you up.

esperando

so i havent been writing.
i was trying to do so everyday but then i realized
when u are experiencing extreme pain...
writing is sometimes the last thing you want to.
u dont have the energy.
but today i am so numb to all the pain and crazy emotions
that i am able to put some thoughts onto the screen.

he wants me to be honest.
but i dont think he understands what that means.
if i am to be honest, we are no more.
i have been wanting this for a while
but i do not have the heart to tell him how i really feel.
my heart is no longer in this relationship.
yes i love him....
in love? not so much anymore.
i was though. i really was.
and then i realized that we just can't work.
dont tell me we can try to make it work.
we have tried.
over and over and it has gotten us nowhere.
i dont want to hurt him...
because today i realized i am the best thing he has in his life right now.
i would feel terrible knowing that i ripped away the one last
strand of happiness i knew he was holding on to.
but the more i think about this and dwell in these thoughts,
the tighter his hold becomes because he is beginning to discover that i am slipping away.
so now i am choking...
i now have to deal with the pressure of his grasp
and the individual pain i feel from trying to let go.
its been over a year. march 6th. our anniversary date.
i just feel like its so much to let go of.
but i cannot stay in this position.
its too hard.
i have cried at least twice every week since the end of march
and now in 2 days we hit may.
the time has come to let go, yet i keep allowing him to hold on.
why?
because im scared.
i dont know what this will do to him.
...i dont know what this will do to me.
my entire life will change.
my daily routine...completely revamped.
so i dont know if im ready for that.
ive heard that its been time from others too.
they just werent sure if i was ready to hear it.
i hate all of this.

then i have a friend who is going through something quite similar...
who is also trying to find his way.
we have been there for each other in the midst of all this catastrophe...
but i think we have both reached our breaking points...
or are on our way to them full speed ahead.
its sad to know that although we ease each others pain,
we are not enough.
he once said:
as much as i enjoy what we have,
i wish we didnt have to have it.
and i am in agreement with him.
i understand.
because if the ones who are hurting us would get themselves together...
we wouldnt need to make each other feel better.
but they dont.
they wont.
they cant.
because they are blinded from the problems that we see
they cannot see past the fake smiles and "im ok's" that we dish out daily.
they cannot see the eroding of our souls.
they cannot see the streams of blood that leak from our cuts..that get deeper each day.
they cannot see they they hold the knives.
for some reason the ones who are supposed to love us most, and understand us best
cannot look into our eyes and see the empty spaces where our hearts used to reside.
it is a terribly sad reality.
one that brings tears to my eyes...
because its almost as if it isnt their fault.
there are so many things i could say to him...
fussing at him for all his mistakes, telling him how he has single-handedly
killed our realtionship.
but i wont.
because i know i shouldnt have worn my heart on my sleeve.
so now because i am so scared to let go, and still looking out for the best interest of someone other than myself,
i am waiting.....waiting to see what will happen.
waiting to find the strength to let go.
waiting to see if he will really change.
waiting on hope.
waiting to find my heart again.

and the way its looking right now,
the chances of all those things...
are slim to none.

better days

so im kinda tired of sad posts
tired of feeling sorry for myself
my situation gets worde daily
however
on a lighter note,
i finished my graduation speech.
and im very excited about it.
i think its good.
my friend adam helped me write it.
and my spirits have been lifted :)
well...
maybe ill be back later.
but im just kinda tired of feelings the same feelings ya know?
yea...
but it will all get better right?

i hope so.

astacado en reves

im feeling a lot inside...
im frustrated
because i keep saying that everything will be ok
and i know it wont
because i know what i want
but i cant have it
because what i want is...
"multi-tasking" to say the least.
because its all kinda my own fault.
because their words and actions dont correspond
im angry
because all i do is give
because words move me so easily
because it's not fair
because he claims to be trying
but i see no evidence of his efforts
im sad
because love has no margins
because they want to be here
but they dont...well cant, always stay
because theres more than one and im just another
because it hurts
im bleeding
because they each hold a different knife
that leaves a unique wound
because the cuts get deeper each day
because the pain feels good sometimes
and i like staying down
because when im down i have no hopes
so im never disappointed
im crying
because i want it to be ok
because he wants to stay
because he doesnt really care
because his distance is his biggest flaw
because i cant get it right.
because WE cant get it right.
stuck in reverse.

woe is me

im feeling such mental
and
physical pain.
im hurting so bad inside
it transfers to my outside.
i cant take it.
everything inside is so mixed up.
one moment im up, the next im down.
it hurts to know the truth.
words cannot ease the pain.
because the same words that are supposed to ease my pain
live a double life.
so please,
save the words.
emotions...
they grow stronger each day.
they cut me deeper every time...
my exterior is cracking.
these words are finally getting under my skin.
the feelings are erupting.
im losing it...

my return

so i had a bit of a hiatus.
almost a year long.
but i have returned, with the intent to stay.
hmm...intent to stay...
something i have learned to do quite well.
stay and accept.
its funny, i was reading my very first post. and i see that my relationship has always been the same.
he has always called me those annoying names that he thinks is so funny.
he has always tripped me up and been rude and cynical and sarcastic.
he has always been Ronald.
but now i see I have not always been me.
I think I just recently found myself in our relationship.
which is why i am now annoyed and bothered by all of the jokes i once found so funny...
in the beginning i was looking for something different and new.
and it was him.
but maybe i was just finding someone to occupy my time?
looking for that alibi called love, so i wouldnt be lonely.
i dunno.
i mean, i do love him. i know it in my heart.
if i didnt i wouldnt have been so scared to leave.
however, i dont think i was being myself.
i dont want someone who tells me ok when i say i love them.
i dont want someone who thinks its ok to go a day without just saying hi.
i dont want someone who doesnt want to simply cuddle with me on a quiet night.
yet...thats the exact someone im with.
and i know thats a problem.
but right now im too scared to go.
and the tears seem to be acceptable...almost natural.
ive been trying so hard to make it work because i thought there was a time when we were happy.
and we were.
but that particular we omitted an extremely significant part...
me.
the we that was happy, was indeed happy.
but the real me wasnt apart of it.
couldnt have been...because now i see i have been accepting a person whose makeup consists of half of a person i dont want to be with.
if that makes any sense.
it did in my head.
so as i stay, i will updating these feelings...
because im sure there will be more to come.
in addition to all the pain and frustration i feel with him...
there is a little flicker of hope that sporatically causes smiles to form between my dimpled cheeks.
this flicker is neatly tucked away...
in a corner of my heart.
they know who they are.
and they make this entire ordeal much easier to deal with.
(if i may end a sentence with a preposition...)
this has been wonderful.
and i appreciate you for listening.
my return ends with great success.
because although my situation has not changed in the slightest of ways,
im relieved to have finally shared it all.

with high hopes,

dre