better days

so im kinda tired of sad posts
tired of feeling sorry for myself
my situation gets worde daily
however
on a lighter note,
i finished my graduation speech.
and im very excited about it.
i think its good.
my friend adam helped me write it.
and my spirits have been lifted :)
well...
maybe ill be back later.
but im just kinda tired of feelings the same feelings ya know?
yea...
but it will all get better right?

i hope so.

astacado en reves

im feeling a lot inside...
im frustrated
because i keep saying that everything will be ok
and i know it wont
because i know what i want
but i cant have it
because what i want is...
"multi-tasking" to say the least.
because its all kinda my own fault.
because their words and actions dont correspond
im angry
because all i do is give
because words move me so easily
because it's not fair
because he claims to be trying
but i see no evidence of his efforts
im sad
because love has no margins
because they want to be here
but they dont...well cant, always stay
because theres more than one and im just another
because it hurts
im bleeding
because they each hold a different knife
that leaves a unique wound
because the cuts get deeper each day
because the pain feels good sometimes
and i like staying down
because when im down i have no hopes
so im never disappointed
im crying
because i want it to be ok
because he wants to stay
because he doesnt really care
because his distance is his biggest flaw
because i cant get it right.
because WE cant get it right.
stuck in reverse.

woe is me

im feeling such mental
and
physical pain.
im hurting so bad inside
it transfers to my outside.
i cant take it.
everything inside is so mixed up.
one moment im up, the next im down.
it hurts to know the truth.
words cannot ease the pain.
because the same words that are supposed to ease my pain
live a double life.
so please,
save the words.
emotions...
they grow stronger each day.
they cut me deeper every time...
my exterior is cracking.
these words are finally getting under my skin.
the feelings are erupting.
im losing it...

my return

so i had a bit of a hiatus.
almost a year long.
but i have returned, with the intent to stay.
hmm...intent to stay...
something i have learned to do quite well.
stay and accept.
its funny, i was reading my very first post. and i see that my relationship has always been the same.
he has always called me those annoying names that he thinks is so funny.
he has always tripped me up and been rude and cynical and sarcastic.
he has always been Ronald.
but now i see I have not always been me.
I think I just recently found myself in our relationship.
which is why i am now annoyed and bothered by all of the jokes i once found so funny...
in the beginning i was looking for something different and new.
and it was him.
but maybe i was just finding someone to occupy my time?
looking for that alibi called love, so i wouldnt be lonely.
i dunno.
i mean, i do love him. i know it in my heart.
if i didnt i wouldnt have been so scared to leave.
however, i dont think i was being myself.
i dont want someone who tells me ok when i say i love them.
i dont want someone who thinks its ok to go a day without just saying hi.
i dont want someone who doesnt want to simply cuddle with me on a quiet night.
yet...thats the exact someone im with.
and i know thats a problem.
but right now im too scared to go.
and the tears seem to be acceptable...almost natural.
ive been trying so hard to make it work because i thought there was a time when we were happy.
and we were.
but that particular we omitted an extremely significant part...
me.
the we that was happy, was indeed happy.
but the real me wasnt apart of it.
couldnt have been...because now i see i have been accepting a person whose makeup consists of half of a person i dont want to be with.
if that makes any sense.
it did in my head.
so as i stay, i will updating these feelings...
because im sure there will be more to come.
in addition to all the pain and frustration i feel with him...
there is a little flicker of hope that sporatically causes smiles to form between my dimpled cheeks.
this flicker is neatly tucked away...
in a corner of my heart.
they know who they are.
and they make this entire ordeal much easier to deal with.
(if i may end a sentence with a preposition...)
this has been wonderful.
and i appreciate you for listening.
my return ends with great success.
because although my situation has not changed in the slightest of ways,
im relieved to have finally shared it all.

with high hopes,

dre