Please dont shoot me down

Our friendship only has so much elasticity.
Ur stretching me as far as i can go.
Pushing me away.
And im breaking inside.
It hurts.
Stop....
Please?
I cant take it.
Not from you.
Anyone else....but you?
No.
I wont have it.
I believe in you too much to accept the fact that you are starting to hurt me just like he did.
I wont have it.
You are different.
I know it.
You have to be....
For the sake of my sanity, there has to be something special about you.
Please dont let the doubt in my mind say i told you so.
Im begging you.
I need you to be who i know you are.
Sigh.
Dont be just like every other person i ever believed in.
Please...
Dont let me down.

oh captain my captain

when i found out you were a captain...it scared me.
The thought of you sailing out to sea, away from the comfort of our closeness..
I was terrified.
But I loved you still.
Every time you came home, there were stories of the adventures the sea gave you.
I was always willing to listen...no matter if the stories were good or bad.
I waited patiently on the shore, telling you that I was fine and had no problem with you sailing out to sea.
Secretly, i hoped that the storms of the sea would one day be too much for you to handle.
I prayed that you would return one day and decide that I was enough, that you wouldn't need to sail out to sea ever again.

Every time you came home I asked you the same question.
"Do you promise to return?," I would ask filled with hope and promise.
Your faithful answer each time, "Of course, because I love you."
Then things began to change.
Your trips were longer, as if you weren't in a hurry to see me....
And with your new found attitude, your answers began to change as well.
"of course, because i love you."
"yes... And i love you."
"i'll try...well, i love you."
"maybe...but i love you."

But this last time...
It was so different that I already know whats to come.
Your response.
"i hope so. Oh, i love you."
You avoided my eyes, barely touched me, walked away with a quickness to replace the usual lingering.
You said that you hoped so.
Hope is not something you do...
I can't explain why but when it comes to me, you don't hope...you just do or you don't.
There is no in between.

You have changed.
You welcome the storms at sea.
You enjoy the challenges they present.
You are a true captain.

As your ship takes off i know that you are never to return.
I turn, my back to the coast, facing my future.
I begin to walk away, filled with an empty heart...for this is the day I had always feared.
The day you would no longer need me by your side.
The sea was, is, and always will be your first love.

no strings attached

I wandered away today.
It was the first time, only because I actually had to build up the courage to do it.
I went my own way, catching other men's eyes...Saw how they lusted after me with every step I took.
And I loved the attention.
It's almost as if it were new to me...like I had never caught a man's eye before.
It was different.
Comforting.
Affirming.
Reassuring.
And much needed.

So as I venture off at this party I glance around, simply scoping out the scene.
And then, my eyes lay on you.
Gorgeous chocolate skin.
Fresh outfit.
Newly cut fade.
Perfect white smile.
Yea...that's you.
You turn around and for a split second, we lock eyes.
In this second I think my heart might burst through my chest and reach out to you saying "take me, please."
I want you.
I want to get inside of you.
I want to feel you out.
I want to explore you and find out what you are all about.
And surprisingly right now, im not even talking sexually.
I have locked eyes with a man I know is meant to be mine.
Baby, you should be mine.
You know it too.
I see it in your eyes as you give me the "damn that's the one" expression.
Yea it's me.
Come and get me.

I felt a jerk and turned around.
Sigh.
I have to go back now.
My absence is realized and unappreciated.
I see you jerk backwards as well.
Yea, your spouse is looking for you too.
We turn around and look back quickly for one last glance...watching our dream mate get away.
Heads hung down, we follow the strings back to our spouse's.
If only i didn't have these damn strings.
Ugh.
We are mates indeed but definitely not of the soul.
Not like the man I just met.
My dream mate.
The one I just let get away.
Sigh...
Maybe next time...
Maybe next time.

seasons of love

*Note: this post is completely random. diff from all the others...so its kinda unnecessary to read.*

so what now.
things are back on track...
we are happy.
i think.
i mean we are laughing and joking again.

so its all ok right?
right.
im confused at the point of all this.
like i mean its AMAZING.
hahaha.
but its going nowhere.

i need to go.
i need it to be august 12th.
then it will be easier to forget.
easier to forgive.
then i can move on.

i dont want to.
but if i dont i will be stuck forever.
its gonna be ok.
i know it.
i know your intentions are good....
but you did it all the wrong way.

im not pointing fingers at all.
i know i can accept some of the blame as well.
but its like in front of one ur somebody else.
i cant blame you though.
im the exact same.
unfortunately, i can be quite hypocritical sometimes...
but i wonder why u express with such ease when you know the words might hurt me.

that's the part i just dont get about you.
wait that's a lie.
there's a lot i dont get about you.
you are such a character...
i love having you around though.
like i look up to you.
you prolly dont understand why, idk if i do either.
but i know i do.
ur something like a role model.
minus the near perfection...

its crazy how your words make me feel.
but when its just me and you...
i feel like maybe i matter.
silly me.

my thoughts are all scrambled.
this post wont make sense to many.
if any...
oh well.
it was for me anyway.

i have come to the conclusion that i have to accept this...
this thing that's going on.
sigh.
whatever.

people are only meant to be around for a season...
summer's coming to an end...
here comes fall.
time's up.