esperando

so i havent been writing.
i was trying to do so everyday but then i realized
when u are experiencing extreme pain...
writing is sometimes the last thing you want to.
u dont have the energy.
but today i am so numb to all the pain and crazy emotions
that i am able to put some thoughts onto the screen.

he wants me to be honest.
but i dont think he understands what that means.
if i am to be honest, we are no more.
i have been wanting this for a while
but i do not have the heart to tell him how i really feel.
my heart is no longer in this relationship.
yes i love him....
in love? not so much anymore.
i was though. i really was.
and then i realized that we just can't work.
dont tell me we can try to make it work.
we have tried.
over and over and it has gotten us nowhere.
i dont want to hurt him...
because today i realized i am the best thing he has in his life right now.
i would feel terrible knowing that i ripped away the one last
strand of happiness i knew he was holding on to.
but the more i think about this and dwell in these thoughts,
the tighter his hold becomes because he is beginning to discover that i am slipping away.
so now i am choking...
i now have to deal with the pressure of his grasp
and the individual pain i feel from trying to let go.
its been over a year. march 6th. our anniversary date.
i just feel like its so much to let go of.
but i cannot stay in this position.
its too hard.
i have cried at least twice every week since the end of march
and now in 2 days we hit may.
the time has come to let go, yet i keep allowing him to hold on.
why?
because im scared.
i dont know what this will do to him.
...i dont know what this will do to me.
my entire life will change.
my daily routine...completely revamped.
so i dont know if im ready for that.
ive heard that its been time from others too.
they just werent sure if i was ready to hear it.
i hate all of this.

then i have a friend who is going through something quite similar...
who is also trying to find his way.
we have been there for each other in the midst of all this catastrophe...
but i think we have both reached our breaking points...
or are on our way to them full speed ahead.
its sad to know that although we ease each others pain,
we are not enough.
he once said:
as much as i enjoy what we have,
i wish we didnt have to have it.
and i am in agreement with him.
i understand.
because if the ones who are hurting us would get themselves together...
we wouldnt need to make each other feel better.
but they dont.
they wont.
they cant.
because they are blinded from the problems that we see
they cannot see past the fake smiles and "im ok's" that we dish out daily.
they cannot see the eroding of our souls.
they cannot see the streams of blood that leak from our cuts..that get deeper each day.
they cannot see they they hold the knives.
for some reason the ones who are supposed to love us most, and understand us best
cannot look into our eyes and see the empty spaces where our hearts used to reside.
it is a terribly sad reality.
one that brings tears to my eyes...
because its almost as if it isnt their fault.
there are so many things i could say to him...
fussing at him for all his mistakes, telling him how he has single-handedly
killed our realtionship.
but i wont.
because i know i shouldnt have worn my heart on my sleeve.
so now because i am so scared to let go, and still looking out for the best interest of someone other than myself,
i am waiting.....waiting to see what will happen.
waiting to find the strength to let go.
waiting to see if he will really change.
waiting on hope.
waiting to find my heart again.

and the way its looking right now,
the chances of all those things...
are slim to none.