I need a vacation

so we meet again.
Just me and the keys this time.
No characters.
No setting.
No background.
No clever analogies.
Just me.
I dont have the energy to hide behind my smile.
I dont have the strength to create an imaginary person dealing with real issues.
I no longer care enough to try to disguise my inner thoughts and emotions.
He loves me?
No.
He loves me not.
Liar.
Michelle, gabbie, jerri, raquel, chasity, sherika, kenteshia...
All these girls i have tried to compete with during our time together.
Im tired.
Im sick.
You can have them.
You claim to want me...
But these names are proof that i am not enough for you.
Like.
Eff it.
I cant do this anymore.
Im not hiding behind my smiles.
Im upset.
Im pissed.
Im hurting.
And ur gonna know it.
All of you.
You dont deserve to see me smile when you keep burning me to my core.

So happy go lucky bubbly dorian is going on vacation.
I dont have the endurance to keep putting up this facade.
Sigh....
Im out of breath.

So...This is what you get now.
You dont deserve to know the real me anyway.
Ugh...
Whatever.
Im done.

12am...depression strikes again

today at church the pastor said:
even when you fall in love with someone
and they don't fall in love with you,
it's ok.
don't give up.
hell, DO IT AGAIN.
that was the title of the sermon.
Do it again...
because one day yours will come.
and it will be okay.

it reminded me of a coldplay line.
"when you love someone and it goes to waste."
i know the feeling.

so i been down lately.

basically because...

it's simple.
he doesn't want me.

he's not ready. (i can agree with that)
it wouldn't last. (so he feels)
he can't let go. (it's all over his face)
it's already over.
and it never began.

i wanna be there.
still.
im foolish.
i know.
but who isn't sometimes.

that's it.
in a nutshell.
tough pill to swallow.

but...
im a big girl.
i can handle it.

however,
i don't know if i can follow that pastor's advice.
i don't think i could do this again.
after this one, i think im done.
i don't wanna fall in love with someone...
who didn't fall in love with me too.

not all the way.
not a little bit in love.
not at all.

eff you love.