my return

so i had a bit of a hiatus.
almost a year long.
but i have returned, with the intent to stay.
hmm...intent to stay...
something i have learned to do quite well.
stay and accept.
its funny, i was reading my very first post. and i see that my relationship has always been the same.
he has always called me those annoying names that he thinks is so funny.
he has always tripped me up and been rude and cynical and sarcastic.
he has always been Ronald.
but now i see I have not always been me.
I think I just recently found myself in our relationship.
which is why i am now annoyed and bothered by all of the jokes i once found so funny...
in the beginning i was looking for something different and new.
and it was him.
but maybe i was just finding someone to occupy my time?
looking for that alibi called love, so i wouldnt be lonely.
i dunno.
i mean, i do love him. i know it in my heart.
if i didnt i wouldnt have been so scared to leave.
however, i dont think i was being myself.
i dont want someone who tells me ok when i say i love them.
i dont want someone who thinks its ok to go a day without just saying hi.
i dont want someone who doesnt want to simply cuddle with me on a quiet night.
yet...thats the exact someone im with.
and i know thats a problem.
but right now im too scared to go.
and the tears seem to be acceptable...almost natural.
ive been trying so hard to make it work because i thought there was a time when we were happy.
and we were.
but that particular we omitted an extremely significant part...
me.
the we that was happy, was indeed happy.
but the real me wasnt apart of it.
couldnt have been...because now i see i have been accepting a person whose makeup consists of half of a person i dont want to be with.
if that makes any sense.
it did in my head.
so as i stay, i will updating these feelings...
because im sure there will be more to come.
in addition to all the pain and frustration i feel with him...
there is a little flicker of hope that sporatically causes smiles to form between my dimpled cheeks.
this flicker is neatly tucked away...
in a corner of my heart.
they know who they are.
and they make this entire ordeal much easier to deal with.
(if i may end a sentence with a preposition...)
this has been wonderful.
and i appreciate you for listening.
my return ends with great success.
because although my situation has not changed in the slightest of ways,
im relieved to have finally shared it all.

with high hopes,

dre