la di da

when it was all over...
i wasnt sure how it would be.
i wasnt sure how I would be.
i was confused
hurt
saddened
yet a bit relieved...
i dont know if i will be okay.
well i guess i dont have a choice
i have to be.
i cant just roll over and die.
i must endure
i must make it
sigh...
its gonna be a long hard process but i believe in myself.
i lost a boyfriend...but i think i got my best friend back.
all i can do now is hope.
breaking up is the easy part....
its the aftermath of falling out of love and trying to really let go that hurts the worse.
everything is different now.
but somehow i will make it through.
the nights will be lonely...
the days will be long..
but the sun will shine again.

beneath the flowers

i dream of you.
beneath the flowers...
i fell asleep and this is what i thought...

you were everything i wanted and everything i didn't need.
got my priorities mixed up...
wanting what i can't have.
wanting what's not mine.
thought i found love on a two-way street.
but i quickly found out it was just a one-way highway.
it's ok though.
i didn't understand until now...
love is meant to be simple.
true love at least.
you don't have to work at it, it comes natural.
so i wonder why i love you so much.
in a sense, you have made me who i am today.
i don't know why i gave you so much power over me...
it was like, here's this wise man who has all this insight.
and it was good stuff too. i fell for you.
problem was...
i wasn't the one you were trying to catch.
i used to cry about it.
i used to spend nights wondering what was wrong with me.
i figured it out.
nothing.
i simply was not the one.

i am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason.
we didn't work for some reason beyond my current understanding.
its quite irrelevant.
one day i will look back on these moments with you and i will know why it all worked out the way it did.
for now...i can't say i have completely grasped it but i can say that i have accepted it.
i am finally okay knowing that i will never be yours.
strangely enough, although you didn't want to be with me...it's clear that you loved me.
that i know for sure because it's something you don't work at.
it just happens.
just like the love i have for you.

i gave you all of me.
gave you my everything.
my heart included.
your honesty broke it....
but you have stayed around to help clean up the pieces.
your kind words put it back together.
and now i will lock it away until the right one comes along.
i don't even know if you feel bad...
but i will say it anyway.
i forgive you.

i am finally letting you go.
not in a sense of removing you...
more like releasing...
the hopes
the wishes
the pleas
and the daydreams.

sigh.
what a beautiful day.

is this the end?

she stares in the mirror.
mascara streaks run down her cheeks.
she doesn't even know how to feel...
she doesn't know who she sees in the reflection.
beneath the pain in her eyes, used to be a girl with a flicker or hope.
she believed in one last man to stay by her side...
someone she had called friend.
someone she told she loved...
she believed in that love with all her heart.
it felt like the only love she had ever known
but he gave up on that love...
he stopped caring when she moved away.
she didn't know love had a limit...
what happened to forever and always?
what happened to the small possibility of wanting to be with her?

it killed her hopes.
and it killed her heart.

it wasn't supposed to be him...
she could have taken it from anyone but him.
he was her last hope.
she wanted him to be there...
she still wants you him to be there.
but its a position he no longer wants to be in.
so she decided to step back..
and let him live his life.
she always believed in him...in them.
what's there to believe in now?
he promised that he wouldn't be just like every man she gave her heart to...
he told her to be careful with her heart...
but he didn't say the advice applied to him too.

all the times spent together.
all the lonely nights they kept each other company,
all the days her house was his escape..
her family his shelter
his truck her getaway
her embrace his peace
his arms her safety...
what does it mean now...

fade to black

he sits in the corner and weeps.
he weeps for his sins.
he weeps for his soul.
he weeps for his self.
self.
he no longer recognizes the word.
self is someone he lost along this painful journey.

thought he had it all.
perfect girlfriend.
decent family.
bright looking future.
love.
right.

love is a lie. -simple plan-
he plays the song on repeat as he releases his stresses onto his cheeks and shirt.
it all started with his girlfriend.
she started fucking up.
at first it was small stufff.
then it got bigger and bigger until he just couldn't take it.
friends is all he could manage.
however, they both knew it wasn't normal friends.
they were still obligated to each other.
no additional hook ups.
no booskies.
no one else.

but along the way he began to miss the cuddling...
the kind words.
the late night talks.
all the things that made him fall in love.
so he found it elsewhere...
he found someone else he could turn to for all the things she was no longer giving.
mentally.
emotionally.
physically.
he took it all.

is he wrong?
is he wrong for searching for his heart's desires because the one he thought he loved no longer wanted him?
is he wrong for trying to find the happiness he felt his heart deserved?

he cannot find the answers.
all he can find is the tears.
he has been hurt so many times.
it all feels the same to him.
head down, he balls up and rests his head against the wall.
his lips continue to quiver and his chest heaves.
he cries himself to sleep.
now he cannot feel the pain.

my new home

so here i am.
Currently laying down in the lofted bed in our dorm room.
Its so weird being here...
Deondre's not right under me, mom and dad aren't annoyingly yelling on the intercom for me to come downstairs...no high pitched whines and barks from max.
It's just different....quite peaceful actually.
I think i will enjoy it here.
One thing i do know already, i DO NOT like having a roommate.
Lol...i love kelsey, really i do.
But she is not as neat as i am (or as mildly OCD as me but thats ok)..
We havent even been in the room without our parents a good hour and her boyfriend is already here...and ready to spend the night.
My first night in my dorm with my roommate and i have to change behind the door of the closet.
Sigh.
But, i may have a visitor of my own soon...so we will be even :)
I wanted to share this moving in and settling experience with my good friend T since we have barely spoken all day....but he is nowhere to be found.
Hm...well...
Im getting sleepy.
Til next time.
Im getting tired.

hello goodbye

so here we are now.
pained and lucky we survived it all.
-amel larrieux

i made it.
this summer was the best and worst summer ever.
all wrapped up in a 2 and 1/2 month package.
i am leaving in about 30 minutes for athens...
leaving atlanta, my family, and my best friends behind.
however, i will carry the memories in my heart forever.
so many memories to look back on from this summer, this year..the past 17 years.
today i am leaving my home I have lived in all my life.
i do not plan on returning.
of course i will come back on holidays and breaks,
but i do not have the intent to ever live here again.
after college i plan on getting a job, my own place, and starting a life on my own.
of course i am in no rush.
i plan on enjoying every moment of college and the freedom without real responsibilities.

i would like to take this time to say thank you to four people who helped me make it through this chaotic summer.
thank you tarrance.
you have been with me every step of the way this summer.
you brought me out of my shell while still allowing me to hold onto my genuine innocence.
(somewhat :])
you definitely introduced me to things I thought i would never do.
my favorite memories...
staring at the stars, talking, chilling, GUITAR HERO...all the great moments in the truck.
memories i will never forget.
you have been one of the greatest influences on my life and you are now in my mind, apart of the family.
thank you for being such a great friend.
ily tarantae :)

id also like to thank britni.
although she can be crazy at times,
she is definitely one of the FEW females in my life that i consider to be a real friend.
whenever i needed her, i knew she was one call away.
and she knows i am there for her as real.
im glad to have someone so honest and caring in my life.
ily BEEEEE. :)

kelsey,
my best friend since the 7th grade although i have known her since the 5th.
theres not much to say about her...
i cant put her amazingness into words.
my soon-to-be roommate :)
i really dont think i could have asked for a better best friend.
i am faithful in our ability to remain friends even though we are living together.
(crossing my fingers and toes haha)
but i think we will make it.
i love this girl.

last but not least...ronnie.
its strange...me wanting to thank you.
you were the cause of so many tears this summer.
so many lonely nights.
so many days full of heartache.
you are definitely a screw up sometimes when it comes to me.
BUT...i know that you care.
you love me and you show it more times than you hurt me.
if i look back at the course of our relationship, we had more happy times than sad.
i will definitely admit that i love you.
it sucks that we broke up...
but i know it was the best thing.
the distance between us would have only made things harder and you have to understand that i have to do this for me.
i love you though, with all my heart.
forever and always bay.

sigh...well time to load up the car.
im ready to leave all the pain this summer threw at me behind.
as i move to athens i hope to meet new people and to experience new things...
but i dont want to be a new me.
i hope to inspire people and to be the shoulder or ear they need.
ive always been the therapist/motherly role in my group of friends. :)
its one i enjoy.

tarrance, you once said that this fall you will find out who really wants to be apart of your life.
i dont think there is a better way to describe what i also hope to find out.
i will find out what friends are really friends...
and who will be another face in the yearbook.
im looking forward to see who sticks around.
i know it will be few.
and thats ok.
as long as i have the ones who matter most by my side.
well, im off.

goodbye atlanta.
hello athens.

the forbidden

cherish me...
in private...
sheltered from the eyes of the public.
no one to scold you for your obvious faults.

hold me...
in the dark...
covered by the black blanket of sky.
its too dark for one to spy.

kiss me...
in blindness..
closed eyes and never think twice.
no one can hear the sucks of our lips.

whisper to me...
in privacy.
sweet nothings that pour into my ears.
no one can hear the cleverly masked lies.

love me...
but only with convenience...
masked in emptiness when it's just me and you.
no one to tell you this love is forbidden.