12am...depression strikes again

today at church the pastor said:
even when you fall in love with someone
and they don't fall in love with you,
it's ok.
don't give up.
hell, DO IT AGAIN.
that was the title of the sermon.
Do it again...
because one day yours will come.
and it will be okay.

it reminded me of a coldplay line.
"when you love someone and it goes to waste."
i know the feeling.

so i been down lately.

basically because...

it's simple.
he doesn't want me.

he's not ready. (i can agree with that)
it wouldn't last. (so he feels)
he can't let go. (it's all over his face)
it's already over.
and it never began.

i wanna be there.
still.
im foolish.
i know.
but who isn't sometimes.

that's it.
in a nutshell.
tough pill to swallow.

but...
im a big girl.
i can handle it.

however,
i don't know if i can follow that pastor's advice.
i don't think i could do this again.
after this one, i think im done.
i don't wanna fall in love with someone...
who didn't fall in love with me too.

not all the way.
not a little bit in love.
not at all.

eff you love.