hate that i love you

have you ever met that one person that you just loved?
i mean completely and utterly adored.
they were the only one who knew how to make you smile that way
the only one who could genuinely wipe your tears away
they could manage to make you say i love u back even when you were so mad u didnt want to....
ha : )
yea i met that one.
i call him bittersweet because one moment were laughin and the next were fighting.
sometimes i really hate that i love him.
he knows my buttons and likes to touch them...not push but touch...
he doesnt push them all the way in...just enough to get me to pay attention
he circles these buttons and pretends to push them so i get all flustered but he makes me feel crazy because he didnt even really do anything.
it's almost like a tease except it's that kind that makes you mad instead of makes you want more.
you know which one im talkin about...
well bittersweet calls me the sweetest names...
big head
loozer (he spells it weird)
punk
nerd
yea all those names that i just love to hear...right...
he has the ability to make me cry and then just look at me and say the right thing and i can forgive him.
don't get me wrong we have great times...
but just as often we have horrible times.
an argument is a normal conversation.
when we don't argue we ask each other: "babe, is something wrong?"
yea it gets bad...
but somehow, someway
i love this guy.
who calls me names
makes me cry
and trips me up because he knows im clumsy
sometimes i dont want to love him...
but one night he told me his story
about his dad leaving his life and moving away
stepdad entering and trying to take over
mom being stressed out
him working to pay the light bill and car note
sister aka best friend leaving for college
his last sad break-up
and so much more i wouldn't dare type....
it was that night i realized that he needed me...
sure he wasn't the biggest romantic which i was used to.
in fact he is the opposite.
i used to hate that i loved him
now im just glad that after all the bad shit he's dealt with...
he's able to love me back
= ]

i dont fear death...

TBF2 posed a question
If heaven is such a great place, then why do we fear death...
so i got to thinkin
personally, im not afraid of dying...
ok well since we're being honest...I would kinda be scared ta be stabbed 25 times or like burned alive....
but that is the just the method...it is not death itself that i fear
see, i hate the failure that comes with it...
i have such bigs dreams.
i have such hopes.
so many things i want to do...
so many things i want to say...
there is no possible way to get it all done but i want to TRY
if i die before i can at least attempt then what have i achieved in life?
exactly.
NOTHING.
so heaven is supposed to be great right...
well I would be that one depressed person in the corner of the clouds
dwelling on what I couldn't do
to put me here...
thinking i can do anything
making me feel invincible
giving me the greatest inventions a mind could create
and then taking me away...
pure torture.
the possibilities are endless...
but are they really?
because we all must die...so our boxes of possibilities become slim to none.
but who can i be mad at when i die?
not myself, not my family, not my friends...so who?
God.
nope, because he's just doing his job.
if he doesn't take me away at the right time...
who knows? he may have a person he also answers to.
so don't get me wrong wrong,
i don't fear death...
just the failure that comes with it.