up

veni.

vidi.

vici.

fiend

i found myself addicted.

i had denied you for so long…until i couldn’t resist any longer.

peer pressure is a mother.

so i shot you up.

filled my veins with the manipulative, hurtful, painful substance called you.

it hurt so good.

left me speechless, breathless, hopeless…less.

less of a woman, less of a person, less of me.

eating away at my insides you began to take control.

i was at the point where i was searching for you every day all day.

i need this fix to survive.

now here i am.

more lost, alone, and deserted than before.

stuck in this miserable place.

just me…and my bad habit.

ablaze

i was burning from the inside out.

a fire so passionate if you looked into my eyes, you knew.

flames so bright and tall…

nothing more or less than my desire for you.

you keep my blood boiling

you keep me heated

you keep me sane…

without this fire, who or what am i living for.

i need this spark

its my only representation of me, of you, of us.

please don’t start to cool me down.

i welcome the heat.

but without you here…im starting to settle…

around 98.6

where’s your match?

baby please, light me up.

i wanna burn.

i wanna burn…

for you.

father time

daddy,

could you please slow things down?

or even rewind back for a little while.

just so i can enjoy the moments that made me want to live all over again

falling in love

falling out of love

friendships

relationships

if i could re-experience these times…

just give me the chance

one shot

to soak up all the memories

laugh again, cry again, scream again…

i’d do it ALL

over again.

GOOD RIDDANCE

i think that i was crazy.
for a few months...i had become someone i wasn't.
i was dark, emotional, cold...
everything that is not dorian.
i was so busy trying to please others, i forgot about what I wanted.

my mother as usual saw it all before i could even put my finger on it.
i was blind.
i had no idea.
i look back and wonder why i even let it get so far.
i look back and i know i had to have been.......insane.
it was like i let another person take over my body...
and dorian just resided in the nearest corner.
either ashamed, scared, or unwilling to come out.

when i left home i started off with an image that had been tainted with the wounds of the summer.
i wore them on my face, my arms, my legs....my entire body had been covered.
so much so that my own flawless skin was filled with hideous scabs.
these scabs were people.
people that deep down i knew didnt mean enough good in my life.
those who i had once loved...
once given so much of my time and consideration.
i used to feel sorry for myself.
but now, i feel sorry for them.
they are so lost in this world...
i dont think anyone could bring them back.
however as time went on i stopped caring.
i began worrying about myself again, and i began gaining a piece of me back
day by day.
i began to peel off the scabs.
i understood all the stuff my mother had been trying to tell me.
i realized that sometimes you just have to let go.

i now understand that it was just something i had to go through to grow.
something i had to discover on my own.
i enjoyed all the time shared.
but when i saw that i had no real purpose in their lives...
i knew they didn't have reason to be in mine either.
it was heartbreaking at first.
but shortly after, it was liberating.
i was free from the chains.
shackles had been broken.

no longer will i conform to what others see fit.
no longer will i try to be someone i am not.
this is me and accept me as i am....
or keep it moving.
sigh.
it feels so good to finally get this all out.
i smile as i finish this blog. :)
i feel so complete.
over and done.
have a nice life.

never ending

my mind is moving in so many directions...
i really dont even know what to write.
i'll just tell how i feel.
im sad.
it's really over.
we are moving on.
it all started on march 6th 2008
and here it has ended on september 30th 2009.
my longest semi-relationship ever.
it hurts to let it go.
but im tired of feeling guilty.
im tired of being so selfish.
im free.
i don't have to answer to anyone anymore.
i can move and allow him to do the same.
i feel like such a weight is off my shoulders.
i dont have to hide.
i can be honest and real.
it feel's great.
i knew that it would happen one day.
but i finally got the courage to let it go.
sigh..finally.

but even though i let it go...
i still believe in forever and always.
forever and always will never end.

missing

i wake up...check my phone.
searching for a text message or missed call.
nothing.
empty.
i roll out of bed, shower, get dressed and walk to breakfast.
i eat.
alone.
i walk to class.
slowly, steadily, lazily trudging.
i sit through class and get a test back.
5 out of 5... 100%
i pick up my phone and get ready to send a message.
think twice, stop myself.
i smile inside and keep my grade to myself.
i walk back home up the dreadful hill to my room.
i sit inside and do homework until dinner time.
i go eat again and come back.
i brush my teeth and lay down.
no goodnight baby's.
no i love you's.
no sweet dreams.
these are my days without you.
these are my nights without you.
this is my life...without you.